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TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part VI: Quarterfinals

Only four teams left. Only four games left. We’re at the point where you’re using the handle of your toothbrush to get the last bit of hatred out. Squeeeeeeeze that football loathing! But people are still flapping their pie-holes about this four-year festival, so use these reviews to sound smart, erudite and well in the know. Also make shit up.

France 0 – 1 Germany

You ever see the movie “Hancock”? The one where Hancock (played by the always affable and vaguely Scientology-ish Will Smith) does his superhero job but doesn’t seem to give a shit? And just goes through the motions, but then finally gathers up the gumption and finds joy in his life again and makes a true difference in the end? France was just like Hancock! Except they didn’t wise up at the end, failed at everything they tried, and are only slightly Scientology-ish. The game ends perfectly with German keeper Neuer saving France’s final shot doing his best impression of the word “Noooooooooooooope!” Mon Dieu.

Completely Made-Up Statistic from the Match: Germany won without completing one single pass.

Rating: 5 Torn Up Asphalt Streets and Totaled Busses out of 10

TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part V: The Group of 16

As a hater of soccer, you’ll be loving this next round of games. LOSER GOES HOME!!! That means that flights are being booked, players are being pelted with toffees if they land in South Korea, and you get closer and closer to having sports channels clogged with tennis. If my primer to KNOWING THE GAME helped you through this, along with my reviews of the FIRST, SECOND and THIRD ROUND OF GAMES WHERE I USED MOVIES helped, you’ll be happy to know that my review of the Group of 16 gets you closer to me not ever reviewing this again.

Brazil 1 (3) – 1 (2) Chile

Between this and the Colombia-Uruguay match, if you like images of guys crossing themselves, this is your “Citizen Kane”. The excitement! The drama! The two goals within half an hour of the start that took the sting out of the match, unless you like yellow cards and guys that should be able to hit the net, not. This game goes to penalty kicks and only one of the first four shots goes in. Poor Chile.

Best/Worst Thing About The Loser Going Home: With them gone, now who do we patronize now?

Rating: 7 Yellow Cards out of 10

TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part IV: The Final Round of Matches of the Groups: MOVIES!!!

Since you’ve now read the INTRO TO THE WORLD CUP as well as the ROUND 1 and ROUND 2 match-ups, you as a soccer-hater must hate this. But take heart, once this round is done, and it is, everyone who loses goes home. While they’re booking flights, you get steps closer to enjoying World Cup-free viewing, no more soccer talk, and you can enjoy the Saskatchewan Roughriders playing whoever the hell they are playing. Let’s do something different this round. Let’s see what the games would be like if they were movies. You like movies, right? Sure you do. And putting the games in the context of film, that’d be a hoot! Here we go:

Group A: Brazil 1 – 4 Cameroon; Croatia 1 – 3 Mexico

Movie That Sums Up This Round: HOME ALONE

The Rundown:

Hosts Brazil (the McCallister family) have a child (Neymar) that is the only person keeping their house in order against Croatia (Daniel Stern) and Cameroon (Joe Pesci) who is constantly on the lookout for valuables, silverware and win-bonuses. Brazil befriends an old man with family problems (Mexico) and finds the true meaning of Christmas…staying in Brazil for a few more games.

TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part III: The Second Round of Matches of the Groups

You’ve made it this far, Football Hater, so you might as well see what else is going on with this crappy tournament that does nothing but take valuable TV time away from the CFL pre-game schedule. Having told you how to know what’s going on at this year’s world cup, and given a review of the first round of games, it’s time to get to the meat of the matter. Which teams are going home, which are advancing, and which are going to make games more meaningless than a Spanish ticket to the closing ceremonies.

Here’s what the second round of games had to offer.

Brazil 0 – 0 Mexico

None are more proud than Patton Oswalt’s fatter Mexican cousin to have gotten Mexico into this position leading into the match. How’s the match? Well, you know that bar fight that goes on forever between two large guys at the bar where they punch the living snot out of each other for what seems like forever but no one gets the girl in the end? That. Mexico try really hard and make Brazil run around a lot. Great cardio!

What to Say to Sound Smart: “Neymar is in this thing, right?”

Rating: 7 Montezuma’s Revenges out of 10

TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part II: The First Matches of the Groups

Well, just like you couldn’t be arsed to watch the games, I couldn’t be arsed to write about them in a timely fashion. Since you’ve read my first article giving you tips on how to survive the World Cup and not sound like a boob, here’s a summary of the first round of games from the groups. If you’re called on it, and you need to have a snap opinion on the Iran – Nigeria game (Hint: It was utter crap), I’ve given you all the high points so that you can all sound like the Sparta Prague-Supporting False-9-Loving Football Hipster that fans of the World Cup wish that they could be. Do not worry about what that last sentence meant. Read on.

Brazil 3-1 Croatia

Still stinging from the wreckage that was a JLo/Pitbull 1-2 punch that KOed the opening ceremonies, Brazil would start the month-long Soccer Showcase with a match against Croatia. The managers have different styles. Phil Scolari for Brazil looks like Gene Hackman desperately trying to track down a jury. Croatia are managed by a guy that looks like a modern-day Bond villain that would capsize the world’s economy and then burn down the White House with frickin’ lasers. Brazil, always the generous hosts, scored all the goals in this game for the guests. Croatia, put away yer shootin’ boots.

What to Say to Sound Smart: “Well. Brazil looked shaky.”

Rating: 7 Anti-Government Riots out of 10