TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part V: The Group of 16
As a hater of soccer, you’ll be loving this next round of games. LOSER GOES HOME!!! That means that flights are being booked, players are being pelted with toffees if they land in South Korea, and you get closer and closer to having sports channels clogged with tennis. If my primer to KNOWING THE GAME helped you through this, along with my reviews of the FIRST, SECOND and THIRD ROUND OF GAMES WHERE I USED MOVIES helped, you’ll be happy to know that my review of the Group of 16 gets you closer to me not ever reviewing this again.
Brazil 1 (3) – 1 (2) Chile
Between this and the Colombia-Uruguay match, if you like images of guys crossing themselves, this is your “Citizen Kane”. The excitement! The drama! The two goals within half an hour of the start that took the sting out of the match, unless you like yellow cards and guys that should be able to hit the net, not. This game goes to penalty kicks and only one of the first four shots goes in. Poor Chile.
Best/Worst Thing About The Loser Going Home: With them gone, now who do we patronize now?
Rating: 7 Yellow Cards out of 10
Colombia 2 – 0 Uruguay
By now, all of the hack reporters have already used:
– “Uruguay had no bite up front.”
– “Uruguay had no appetite for this match.”
– “Uruguay chewed the scenery.”
– “A dedicated Colombia side took the game to the Uruguayans in a fantastic match that saw the hard work and forward-play of the Colombians pays off and sends Uruguay packing.”
Best/Worst Thing About The Loser Going Home: Bite me.
Rating: 8 FIFA Appeals out of 10
Netherlands 2 – 1 Mexico
Since this game was being played inside of a pizza oven, or as it will be known in eight years’ time, “A Qatar Winter”, the teams twice took a breather and enjoyed a nice glass of milk and cheesecake. You’d think the weather would favour the Mexicans [Racist. – Ed.] but after scoring against the Dutch, they sat back. This, by the way, is the most perfect thing to do with the Dutch, right after “Don’t move and let them score 80 goals or so”. Sneijder’s equalizer created a rift in the space-time continuum, sucking into it all of Mexico’s guile they had built up.
Best/Worst Thing About The Loser Going Home: They could probably drive home?
Rating: 7 Soiled Pairs of Orange Underwear out of 10
Costa Rica 1 (5) – 1 (3) Greece
Like all the cockroaches under the sink that you thought you killed, like blah-blah-blah-something-about-Rob-Ford-blah-blah-blah, Greece take the hits and just keep coming back. There’s no stopping them, it seems. They tripped their way into the Group of 16 and they looked keen to advance. Sure Costa Rica scored in the second half. Sure, Costa Rica went down to 10 men two-thirds of the way in, but that wouldn’t be enough to let them win. Well, shut up Fate. Here they come with a late equalizer from Papadob…Papadopopololo…Pop…Socratis. Things looked good until Greece let an utter donkey in Gekas try to kick a penalty.
Best/Worst Thing About The Loser Going Home: Game commentators breathe a sigh of relief not having to say the Greek names any more.
Rating: 8 Tossed Gyros out of 10
France 2 – 0 Nigeria
Remember that French side from the last Euros that had in-fighting, boycotting, and a treatment of each other normally reserved for American tourists looking “fur the Eye-full Tower”? Yeah, they’re gone. This was the first time they met Nigeria in the World Cup and they treated them with the distain of a waiter sent to find ketchup so that the bouillabaisse “tastes less fishy”.
Best/Worst Thing About The Loser Going Home: The Eagles have landed. Badly.
Rating: 7 Baguettes Eating Onions out of 10
Germany 2 – 1 Algeria
Leave it to the Germans and their ruthless efficiency. Look at them with their well-oiled tactics, their precision passing, and their showing the world that you don’t need 90 minutes of playing football when 30 minutes is plenty. Nothing goes for regular time and then, Bam! (Schürrle) Pow! (Özil) Consolation! (Djabou) Let’s make them all 30 minutes long, then.
Best/Worst Thing About The Loser Going Home: The last of the green shirts.
Rating: 7 Das Autos out of 10
Argentina 1 – 0 Switzerland
tease tease tease tease tease tease tease tease Switzerland do okay tease tease tease tease tease tease run on the counter almost score tease tease tease tease Switzerland could pull this off tease tease tease tease Messi who? Disappointing for anyone looking for goals, Messi to finally do something, or the Swiss.
Best/Worst Thing About The Loser Going Home: The true Football Hipster’s Team.
Rating: 6819 Missed Chances out of 10000
Belgium 2 – 1 USA
Seems the worst thing you can do is support the Americans in anything. “Oh, if they win, we’ll never hear the end of it!!!” Well, you’ve not been reading anything by sphincter-in-a-dress Ann Coulter lately, then. The USA has played with heart this tournament and the number of memes featuring Tim Howard saving everything following this match are a testament to that spirit. Yes, they can be proactive, but the fact is that Belgium has flattered to deceive this entire tournament and this match almost did them in. Going down two goals in extra time did nothing to keep the US from trying again and again. Just like picnic space in a park, the hipsters took it over.
Best/Worst Thing About The Loser Going Home: Ann Coulter may shut her pie-hole about this particular thing
Rating: 9 USA! USA! USA!s out of 10