Australia Tag

TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part VIII: WE’RE DONE!

That’s it. Done. Finished. Terminou. Breathe a sigh of relief. You hated every second of probably the best football tournament we’ve had in years and now you can go back to watching proper football where people use their hands on a field with numbers on...

TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part VII: Semifinals

The World Cup is so close to being finished that you can practically taste the television channels choked with Tour de France coverage. Tear into it! But with these few matches being the ones that really count, you, as a hater of soccer, still have...

TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part VI: Quarterfinals

Only four teams left. Only four games left. We’re at the point where you’re using the handle of your toothbrush to get the last bit of hatred out. Squeeeeeeeze that football loathing! But people are still flapping their pie-holes about this four-year festival, so use these reviews to sound smart, erudite and well in the know. Also make shit up.

France 0 – 1 Germany

You ever see the movie “Hancock”? The one where Hancock (played by the always affable and vaguely Scientology-ish Will Smith) does his superhero job but doesn’t seem to give a shit? And just goes through the motions, but then finally gathers up the gumption and finds joy in his life again and makes a true difference in the end? France was just like Hancock! Except they didn’t wise up at the end, failed at everything they tried, and are only slightly Scientology-ish. The game ends perfectly with German keeper Neuer saving France’s final shot doing his best impression of the word “Noooooooooooooope!” Mon Dieu.

Completely Made-Up Statistic from the Match: Germany won without completing one single pass.

Rating: 5 Torn Up Asphalt Streets and Totaled Busses out of 10