TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part VI: Quarterfinals

TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part VI: Quarterfinals

Only four teams left. Only four games left. We’re at the point where you’re using the handle of your toothbrush to get the last bit of hatred out. Squeeeeeeeze that football loathing! But people are still flapping their pie-holes about this four-year festival, so use these reviews to sound smart, erudite and well in the know. Also make shit up.


France 0 – 1 Germany

You ever see the movie “Hancock”? The one where Hancock (played by the always affable and vaguely Scientology-ish Will Smith) does his superhero job but doesn’t seem to give a shit? And just goes through the motions, but then finally gathers up the gumption and finds joy in his life again and makes a true difference in the end? France was just like Hancock! Except they didn’t wise up at the end, failed at everything they tried, and are only slightly Scientology-ish. The game ends perfectly with German keeper Neuer saving France’s final shot doing his best impression of the word “Noooooooooooooope!” Mon Dieu.

Completely Made-Up Statistic from the Match: Germany won without completing one single pass.

Rating: 5 Torn Up Asphalt Streets and Totaled Busses out of 10



Brazil 2 – 1 Colombia

After everyone had a great nap brought on by the Germany victory, we now go to see the Hosts play the Media Darlings (aka ‘James and Friends’). Brazil complain about how many fouls have been made against them by Colombia, which is difficult to do while kicking eight shades of shit out of Colombia at the same time. But they somehow manage it. Brazil’s witchdoctors got into the mix by sending wave after wave of locusts to interfere with Colombia’s penalty kick taken by James. As has been the way with a lot of workers leading up to the World Cup, one showed up. Neymar’s out for the tournament with a back thingy, so Brazil has a win and an excuse at the ready.

Completely Made-Up Statistic from the Match: In this game there was an average of 37 fouls per minute.

Rating: 8 Stretchers out of 10



Argentina 1 – 0 Belgium

I have tagged Belgium this term as the “Football Hipster’s Favourite” and like hipsters, they finally got found out as such. As soon as Argentina went one-nil up thanks to some terrific work from You-Know-Who, Belgium did nothing to alter the score in the least. No adjusting of their fedoras, no retuning of banjos, no putting down their small-batch organic quinoa India Pale Ale. Nothing that remotely smacked of effort. Hopping onto their single-gear bikes, they rode off into the sunset looking for Julia Holter tickets. Looks like the World Cup got just too cool.

Completely Made-Up Statistic from the Match: Messi has scored 43 goals this tournament.

Rating: 7 Independent Coffee Shops out of 10



Netherlands 0 (4) – 0 (3) Costa Rica

Finally! A game everyone was shit at! Costa Rica was shit at passing! So were the Dutch! Holland was shit at tackling! Costa Rica couldn’t shoot! All of this created a rich-brown medley of shit that stunk up the match for a full 90 minutes. Then things finally started to happen when everyone realized that at the end of the rule book, there’s the thing about penalties. The Dutch are notoriously shit at penalties, so more shit! Crafty Holland swapped out their goalkeeper Cillissen for Krul who walked up to every Costa Rican penalty taker and treated them like Paris Hilton treats people holding her towels. If he got any more into the Costa Rican’s heads, he’d be the “Doo-Duh-Doo-Doo” part of Suzanne Vega’s “Tom’s Diner”. Holland sunk every penalty with surgical precision, cutting Costa Rica out of the competition. Shit!

Completely Made-Up Statistic from the Match: The possession statistics for this match:
Holland 135% – Costa Rica -35%.

Rating: 7 Independent Coffee Shops out of 10

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