TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part III: The Second Round of Matches of the Groups
You’ve made it this far, Football Hater, so you might as well see what else is going on with this crappy tournament that does nothing but take valuable TV time away from the CFL pre-game schedule. Having told you how to know what’s going on at this year’s world cup, and given a review of the first round of games, it’s time to get to the meat of the matter. Which teams are going home, which are advancing, and which are going to make games more meaningless than a Spanish ticket to the closing ceremonies.
Here’s what the second round of games had to offer.
Brazil 0 – 0 Mexico
None are more proud than Patton Oswalt’s fatter Mexican cousin to have gotten Mexico into this position leading into the match. How’s the match? Well, you know that bar fight that goes on forever between two large guys at the bar where they punch the living snot out of each other for what seems like forever but no one gets the girl in the end? That. Mexico try really hard and make Brazil run around a lot. Great cardio!
What to Say to Sound Smart: “Neymar is in this thing, right?”
Rating: 7 Montezuma’s Revenges out of 10
Australia 2 – 3 Netherlands
Two things led into this game to make you think it would be a bloodbath. Holland had just got done sitting on the current World Cup title holder’s chest, held Spain’s fists and then slapped Vicente del Bosque in the face with his owns hands while saying “Why are you hitting yourself?” Australia was the least-favoured side because they are Australia. Robben ran a great goal into the box from the back, since that’s exactly what he does all the time, and then Australia’s Cahill slapped back with a driven shot that made Van Persie’s thus-far goal of the tournament nervously look at its feet. Australia took the lead on a penalty, but Netherlands had to spoil the Socceroo love-fest by netting two before time. Probably the game of the tournament up to this point, as the Baby Jesus loves a 3-2 result.
What to Say to Sound Smart: “Who’s this ‘Memphis’ guy?”
Rating: 9 Vegemite and Edam Sandwiches out of 10
Spain 0 – 2 Chile
Out comes the hyperbole. “Spain has been found out!” “Tiki-Taka, more like Tiki-Ta-Ta!” “España has disbanded as a country and have been annexed by Chile!” Chile entered the fray with a style of play a swarm of bees would be envious of. Spain opened their Big Book of Big Ideas and had blank pages stare back at them. Spain is a broken side and Chile arrived with a broom and dust pan.
What to Say to Sound Smart: “Chile are a breath of fresh air. Since Spain have stunk up the place.”
Rating: 8 Spanish Swear Words out of 10
Cameroon 0 – 4 Croatia
You ever have sex when you’re angry? Okay, now picture that, but with 11 guys and a soccer ball. Feeling robbed after a penalty against Brazil in the tournament opener. Being photographed in the buff by the paparazzi presumably sent to the Croatian camp looking for a hard tackle. Croatia appeared to be, pardon the phrase, up for it. You have to feel sorry for Cameroon who can’t possibly know what they did to deserve that.
What to Say to Sound Smart: “Never make a Croatian angry.”
Rating: 8 Poolside Nudie Pics out of 10
Colombia 2 – 1 Côte d’Ivoire
If the Ivory Coast had a battle cry, it has to be “Meh.” Nothing in the first half, and then suddenly it kicked off with two Colombian goals in six minutes that the Elephants would love to forget. But who cares? They’re they best two teams in Group C, which is like winning the award for “Best Karaoke Singer” in Fort McMurray, Alberta. Long may your jib draw, boys.
What to Say to Sound Smart: “This was an easy group, anyway”
Rating: 6 Snoozing Elephants out of 10
Uruguay 2 – 1 England
In a move akin to the guy showing up to work the next day after drunkenly hitting on the receptionist, telling the CEO he should add running a business to his “List of Things I’m Shit At” and taking a dump in the punch bowl at the Christmas party, Luis Suárez made his return to work in England a bit awkward by single-handedly send England back to their rooms packing. You could feel bad for England, but they hope too much.
What to Say to Sound Smart: “I should have eaten two sticks of butter and got onto the field for England before Rooney did.”
Rating: 8 Rule Britannias out of 10
Japan 0 – 0 Greece
This game was complete crap.
What to Say to Sound Smart: “Japan’s crap squad couldn’t score against 10 crap men. Thankfully crappy Greece is equally crap at crap shooting. Crap.”
Rating: 2 Seppukus out of 10
Italy 0 – 1 Costa Rica
If there’s an easy way to do something, Italy will put a mob hit out on it and go about their business the way that best suits. Enter Costa Rica, the darlings of the group that coquettishly bat their eyes and “What, widdle ol’ me?” their way to a win. The car horns in Little Italy are replaced with old men in coffee shops debating endlessly about who should have come on after the goal.
What to Say to Sound Smart: “Costa Rica should not be underestimated in this group.”
Rating: 7 Angrily Flung Bowls of Pasta Fagioli out of 10
Switzerland 2 – 5 France
Hole-y shit. France have put on their Holland disguises and decided to do a goal. Or two. Or five. The last time France netted five goals, there were a lot more names where ‘Z’ figured prominently. Sportswriters all over the world ejaculated comparisons of certain Swiss-based cheese products and the Swiss defence. Fun for everyone all round! Unless you’re Swiss.
What to Say to Sound Smart: “They’re not booing. They’re yelling ‘Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut!”
Rating: 8 Baguettes Wearing Berets out of 10
Honduras 1 -2 Ecuador
Like the dumb jock that wants to prove to the world that he can actually think, and then walks around with a copy of “Being and Nothingness” under his arm for a week, tries to read it, and then in frustration throws it at the head of the first person leaving the Math Club, Honduras scored a goal. Having shows their level of goal-scoring and fair-play nous in their match against France (i.e. ‘none’), Exposed by Ecuador, Honduras take the fairly short trip home.
What to Say to Sound Smart: “Ecuador past the 16? Bet on it.”
Rating: 7 Bruised Shins out of 10
Argentina 1 – 0 Iran
Not to sound patronizing, but look at you go, Iran! And to be completely patronizing, look who almost pulled off a draw against one of the tournament’s favourites why yesh it’s you yesh it’s you! Iran set up and stalled Argentina in an underdog story worthy of a Disney story option. Messi continues to neither underwhelm nor overwhelm. Just whelm.
What to Say to Sound Smart: “Messi’s gotta start showing up.”
Rating: 6 Empanada Kebabs out of 10
Germany 2 – 2 Ghana
Not sure what the German translation is for happy for a draw (“Glücklich für ein Unentschieden”? That’s a lot of umlauts.) but it was uttered. Ghana finally got their act together and played well enough to cause a stir of bother in the German side so intense, it made JLöw take his finger out of his nostril just long enough to finally send on a striker. Klose’s summersault after his goal was probably the most ill-advised move for someone with his fragile knees
What to Say to Sound Smart: “Messi’s gotta start showing up.”
Rating: 6 Empanada Kebabs out of 10
Nigeria 1 – 0 Bosnia and Herzegovina
Picture your wedding day. All your friends and family are gathered together to see your celebration of love for your soon-to-be bride or groom. The birds are singing love songs. And no one is really drunk yet. Now, picture as soon as you’re about to utter the words “I do” the preacher pushes you aside, grabs the bride and goes and marries her in Vegas. That’s what happened to the good ol’ B&H. Robbed of a goal by the ref, Nigeria go on to score to leave Bosnia and Herzegovina with nothing but fear and loathing.
What to Say to Sound Smart: “Shame the ref wasn’t as talented as B&H.”
Rating: 7 Trashed Hotel Rooms out of 10
Belgium 1 – 0 Russia
The non-hipster elite, without their goji berry snacks or any albums by The Field on their iPod, have always remained suspicious of Belgium’s recent accolades. Why? Because despite recent successes, they can still lapse into a style of football that anesthetize a bag of hummingbirds fresh off a cocaine and Red Bull bender in Ibiza. This game was such a relapse. Sneaking one in past an equally boring Russia is quite the little success story.
What to Say to Sound Smart: “Belgium? Don’t believe the hype.”
Rating: 5 Organic Grain-Fed Cruelty Free Banjos out of 10
South Korea 2 – 4 Algeria
This game was the football equivalent to the “Seinfeld” episode where Kramer takes karate and pummels eight-year olds. If South Korea looked slight in their previous matches, Algeria suddenly looked like Gulliver facing the Lilliputian XI. Algeria steamrolled their way through the Korean midfield and defence like tourists at a Mandarin. “Where’s more chicken fingers!?!?” was the battle cry. Good for Korea to bring in two smartly crossed goals, but to no avail.
What to Say to Sound Smart: “Algeria may go through but not to the quarters. Trust me. I know a guy.”
Rating: 7 All-You-Can-Eat Pork Dumplings out of 10
USA 2 – Portugal 2
Say this about the US team, they never know when they’re beat. They also never know when they’re winning. They actually know very little about the sport. Yes, unfair. Portugal scored first as US keeper Tim Howard sat down to snack on a Butterfinger, but the US fought back to take the lead through a Dempsey goal that clogged Twitter to the point that people couldn’t find videos of cats falling off of things. At the very death of added, Portugal equalized. With this draw, when Germany and the US meet, both just need a draw to advance. Hmmmm…
What to Say to Sound Smart: “Put $10 on a scoreless draw at the next US game.”
Rating: 9 Retweets out of 10