Hey! It's TVA!!!

That’s it. Done. Finished. Terminou. Breathe a sigh of relief. You hated every second of probably the best football tournament we’ve had in years and now you can go back to watching proper football where people use their hands on a field with numbers on it and a team from Saskatchewan rules them all. Have fun. But you’re not in the clear yet. The weekend matches will be on the lips of your co-worker football chowderheads, so you’ll have to talk to someone about this match. Most certainly you’ll be cornered by the guy who won the office pool and thinks that he or she is the Lord Regent of all football analysis because they picked Germany to be okay at a football game. Wow.

So, last bits in and you can go about your blissful ignorance of football. May it never bother you again. Until August when most domestic leagues in Europe start up again. Oh, and the MLS is in full swing right now. Have fun!

Brazil 0 – 3 Netherlands

Holland comes into this third-place match stinging from the near miss of the final. Well, it was in fact two actual misses in the penalty shoot-out that got them here, but never mind. Holland manager Louis van Gaal stated earlier that he thought third place matches were for sissies and he could care less about it.

Brazil got more shellacked than 200 pine benches at an Arts and Crafts fair by Germany in a 7-1 romp that hadn’t seen Germany this comfortable in South America since 1945. So, truly, this had to be Brazil’s time to dust themselves off, pull themselves up, play a bit of Chumbawumba and gain some dignity.

Nope.

Holland must have received a message from Germany reading “Wir ziehen es hinter dem Schuppen. Sie töten ihn” (loosely translated “We dragged it behind the shed. You kill it.”) because Brazil continued on with being really bad at football. Giving up a goal in the first two minutes by a penalty is pretty stupid. Heading the ball directly onto Daley Blind’s foot in the penalty area is pretty stupid. Clearing a path into the box with a snow blower for Wijnaldum is pretty stupid.

By the end of this, it was hard to tell when the home fans stopped booing Brazil and began booing Sepp Blatter who handed out third-place medals after feasting on baby white rhino in the FIFA Directors Box. All of Sunday, Brazil fans kept bragging that they won five World Cups. I guess the question you’d ask them is “How?”

Rating: 8 Never Built Hospitals or Schools out of 10

Germany 1 – 0 Argentina

So it comes to this. Germany and Argentina in the World Cup Final. This was their third meeting, having split previous victories. This is where you’d think that Messi would stand out. Become the man who all hoped he’d be all tournament. The man who would touch down onto the field from a golden chariot pulled by pegasuses (“pegasi”?) from the Heavens eating a club sandwich made by God, tearing the field up with liquid runs and goals so sexy they should be aired after 11pm.

Well, not quite. The first half saw some great chances and superb goal keeping. The second half seemed like everyone could care less and just wanted to go to penalties and go home. But cometh the moment, cometh the man. This is surely where Messi grabs the ball from the halfway line taking it away from Germany like snatching a Kinder egg from a child. Surely Messi would take the ball like a car chase in a 1970s San Francisco cop drama. The shot would peel the skin off the ball, set the keeper’s gloves ablaze, place a hole in the back of the net and kill seven spectators. All on enemy soil! That’s a game winning goal! Long live Messi!

Nope. Didn’t happen. What did happen was Götze came onto the field and 25 minutes later scored the winner, proving once again that Germany are quite a good team and that Messi can’t finish on the international stage. Oh, well. He still won the “Best Player of the Tournament” award, which was the most dubious honour since “Crash” won Best Picture, Jim Parsons won an Emmy and the Latin Grammies became a thing.

Deutschland Deutschland Über Awesome.

Rating: 8 Steins of FIFA-Approved Budweiser out of 10

Hope you loved (hated) the tournament as much as I did (didn’t).

Only four teams left. Only four games left. We’re at the point where you’re using the handle of your toothbrush to get the last bit of hatred out. Squeeeeeeeze that football loathing! But people are still flapping their pie-holes about this four-year festival, so use these reviews to sound smart, erudite and well in the know. Also make shit up.

France 0 – 1 Germany

You ever see the movie “Hancock”? The one where Hancock (played by the always affable and vaguely Scientology-ish Will Smith) does his superhero job but doesn’t seem to give a shit? And just goes through the motions, but then finally gathers up the gumption and finds joy in his life again and makes a true difference in the end? France was just like Hancock! Except they didn’t wise up at the end, failed at everything they tried, and are only slightly Scientology-ish. The game ends perfectly with German keeper Neuer saving France’s final shot doing his best impression of the word “Noooooooooooooope!” Mon Dieu.

Completely Made-Up Statistic from the Match: Germany won without completing one single pass.

Rating: 5 Torn Up Asphalt Streets and Totaled Busses out of 10

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Since you’ve now read the INTRO TO THE WORLD CUP as well as the ROUND 1 and ROUND 2 match-ups, you as a soccer-hater must hate this. But take heart, once this round is done, and it is, everyone who loses goes home. While they’re booking flights, you get steps closer to enjoying World Cup-free viewing, no more soccer talk, and you can enjoy the Saskatchewan Roughriders playing whoever the hell they are playing. Let’s do something different this round. Let’s see what the games would be like if they were movies. You like movies, right? Sure you do. And putting the games in the context of film, that’d be a hoot! Here we go:

Group A: Brazil 1 – 4 Cameroon; Croatia 1 – 3 Mexico

Movie That Sums Up This Round: HOME ALONE

The Rundown:

Hosts Brazil (the McCallister family) have a child (Neymar) that is the only person keeping their house in order against Croatia (Daniel Stern) and Cameroon (Joe Pesci) who is constantly on the lookout for valuables, silverware and win-bonuses. Brazil befriends an old man with family problems (Mexico) and finds the true meaning of Christmas…staying in Brazil for a few more games.

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