TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part VIII: WE’RE DONE!
That’s it. Done. Finished. Terminou. Breathe a sigh of relief. You hated every second of probably the best football tournament we’ve had in years and now you can go back to watching proper football where people use their hands on a field with numbers on it and a team from Saskatchewan rules them all. Have fun. But you’re not in the clear yet. The weekend matches will be on the lips of your co-worker football chowderheads, so you’ll have to talk to someone about this match. Most certainly you’ll be cornered by the guy who won the office pool and thinks that he or she is the Lord Regent of all football analysis because they picked Germany to be okay at a football game. Wow.
So, last bits in and you can go about your blissful ignorance of football. May it never bother you again. Until August when most domestic leagues in Europe start up again. Oh, and the MLS is in full swing right now. Have fun!
Brazil 0 – 3 Netherlands
Holland comes into this third-place match stinging from the near miss of the final. Well, it was in fact two actual misses in the penalty shoot-out that got them here, but never mind. Holland manager Louis van Gaal stated earlier that he thought third place matches were for sissies and he could care less about it.
Brazil got more shellacked than 200 pine benches at an Arts and Crafts fair by Germany in a 7-1 romp that hadn’t seen Germany this comfortable in South America since 1945. So, truly, this had to be Brazil’s time to dust themselves off, pull themselves up, play a bit of Chumbawumba and gain some dignity.
Holland must have received a message from Germany reading “Wir ziehen es hinter dem Schuppen. Sie töten ihn” (loosely translated “We dragged it behind the shed. You kill it.”) because Brazil continued on with being really bad at football. Giving up a goal in the first two minutes by a penalty is pretty stupid. Heading the ball directly onto Daley Blind’s foot in the penalty area is pretty stupid. Clearing a path into the box with a snow blower for Wijnaldum is pretty stupid.
By the end of this, it was hard to tell when the home fans stopped booing Brazil and began booing Sepp Blatter who handed out third-place medals after feasting on baby white rhino in the FIFA Directors Box. All of Sunday, Brazil fans kept bragging that they won five World Cups. I guess the question you’d ask them is “How?”
Rating: 8 Never Built Hospitals or Schools out of 10
Germany 1 – 0 Argentina
So it comes to this. Germany and Argentina in the World Cup Final. This was their third meeting, having split previous victories. This is where you’d think that Messi would stand out. Become the man who all hoped he’d be all tournament. The man who would touch down onto the field from a golden chariot pulled by pegasuses (“pegasi”?) from the Heavens eating a club sandwich made by God, tearing the field up with liquid runs and goals so sexy they should be aired after 11pm.
Well, not quite. The first half saw some great chances and superb goal keeping. The second half seemed like everyone could care less and just wanted to go to penalties and go home. But cometh the moment, cometh the man. This is surely where Messi grabs the ball from the halfway line taking it away from Germany like snatching a Kinder egg from a child. Surely Messi would take the ball like a car chase in a 1970s San Francisco cop drama. The shot would peel the skin off the ball, set the keeper’s gloves ablaze, place a hole in the back of the net and kill seven spectators. All on enemy soil! That’s a game winning goal! Long live Messi!
Nope. Didn’t happen. What did happen was Götze came onto the field and 25 minutes later scored the winner, proving once again that Germany are quite a good team and that Messi can’t finish on the international stage. Oh, well. He still won the “Best Player of the Tournament” award, which was the most dubious honour since “Crash” won Best Picture, Jim Parsons won an Emmy and the Latin Grammies became a thing.
Deutschland Deutschland Über Awesome.
Rating: 8 Steins of FIFA-Approved Budweiser out of 10
Hope you loved (hated) the tournament as much as I did (didn’t).