TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part VII: Semifinals
The World Cup is so close to being finished that you can practically taste the television channels choked with Tour de France coverage. Tear into it! But with these few matches being the ones that really count, you, as a hater of soccer, still have to be on your game. Here’s what you need to know about the brace of games that will decide who goes into the utterly-pointless-stupid-who-cares-of-course-you-watch-this-crap-you’re-probably-Portuguese World Cup Final! Here’s your deal.
Germany 7 – 1 Brazil
Have you ever seen a cop punch a child in the face seven times? Then, you’ve seen this game already. Germany stormed into the host’s house, drank all the booze, shagged the missus and took a dump in the foyer before they left. This wasn’t really a game as a “game” has two teams playing. Germany were playing. Brazil were too busy thinking about how Neymar must be getting on playing PS3 on the hospital ward to put on anything even closely resembling a defence.
I know you hate soccer, but trust me, this never happens. Let me put this into hockey perspective for you to help you understand. This game, would be like if the GERMAN HOCKEY TEAM BEAT THE BRAZILIAN HOCKEY TEAM 7-1! Hats off to Oscar for scoring the only Brazil goal at the death and providing a living example of the word “futility”.
Strategy Used by the Winner: Slap Them Like They’re the Three Stooges
Strategy Used by the Loser: None
Rating: 8 Shots of People in Yellow Shirts Crying and Smearing Their Face Paint out of 10
Netherlands 0 (2) – Argentina 0 (4)
Wow. After the Brazil – Germany game, this is going to be, like, a bazillion to five! This will be a massive goal-fest like Holland v Spain combined with Argentina against…well…okay forget the last bit. This will be better than 800 SuperBowls combined with 20 last episodes of “The Sopranos”!!!
This one put the “stale” in “stalemate”. Two teams took to the field and played like they watch the match from the night before. Afraid to touch the ball for the most part, anyone who finally put a foot to it played with a thought bubble above their head reading “…don’t be Brazil don’t be Brazil don’t be Brazil…”.
From the onset this had penalties written all over it like anti-Brazilian government graffiti tagged on the side of a FIFA souvenir shop (Sepp Blatter corn cob holders for $8. A steal!!!). To pens it went and Holland, in their back-to-basics-and-who-we-really-are, made an utter ass-up of the spot kicks. Argies go through. Dutch are through.
Strategy Used by the Winner: “Has Messi got the ball? No? Fix that.”
Strategy Used by the Loser: “Make sure Kuyt kicks the ball a lot. People in the stands love catching it.”
Rating: 5 Burning Wooden Shoes out of 10