TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part IV: The Final Round of Matches of the Groups: MOVIES!!!
Since you’ve now read the INTRO TO THE WORLD CUP as well as the ROUND 1 and ROUND 2 match-ups, you as a soccer-hater must hate this. But take heart, once this round is done, and it is, everyone who loses goes home. While they’re booking flights, you get steps closer to enjoying World Cup-free viewing, no more soccer talk, and you can enjoy the Saskatchewan Roughriders playing whoever the hell they are playing. Let’s do something different this round. Let’s see what the games would be like if they were movies. You like movies, right? Sure you do. And putting the games in the context of film, that’d be a hoot! Here we go:
Group A: Brazil 1 – 4 Cameroon; Croatia 1 – 3 Mexico
Movie That Sums Up This Round: HOME ALONE
Hosts Brazil (the McCallister family) have a child (Neymar) that is the only person keeping their house in order against Croatia (Daniel Stern) and Cameroon (Joe Pesci) who is constantly on the lookout for valuables, silverware and win-bonuses. Brazil befriends an old man with family problems (Mexico) and finds the true meaning of Christmas…staying in Brazil for a few more games.
Group B: Netherlands 2 – 0 Chile; Australia 0 – 3 Spain
Movie That Sums Up This Round: TRADING PLACES
The Duke Brothers (Spain) are choking on years of riches and bet that they can come out on top once again. Meanwhile Louis Winthrope III (Netherlands) come from nothing (in the Euros) and befriend a street-wise tough in Billy Ray Valentine (Chile) and together they secure the entire futures that are oranje. Clarence Beeks (Australia) gets humped by a gorilla.
Group C: Greece 2 – 1 Côte d’Ivoire; Japan 1 – 4 Colombia
Movie That Sums This Round: INDECENT PROPOSAL
John Gage (Colombia as Robert Redford) is spilling riches against anyone that he wishes. David Murphy (Côte d’Ivoire as Woody Harrelson) plays chance with success but leaves with a bitter taste of defeat in his mouth. His wife Diana Murphy (Greece as Demi Moore) cheats to win the big prize but in the end comes out as a common whore. The Day Tripper (Japan as Billy Bob Thornton) can in no way compete.
Group D: Italy 0 – 1 Uruguay; Costa Rica 0 – 0 England
Movie That Sums Up This Round: SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
Clarice Starling (Costa Rica) finds herself overwhelmed by her own circumstances hoping to understand the world that she’s been thrown into. She finds a weird companion in Hannibal Lecter (Uruguay) that is able to play his toying with her to his own benefit. Catherine Martin (Italy) finds herself in a deep dark hole rubbing lotion on her skin. There’s a poodle in a basket that doesn’t do anything of note (England) and in the end, someone gets eaten.
Group E: France 0 – 0 Ecuador; Honduras 0 – 3 Switzerland
Movie That Sums Up This Round: THE WIZARD OF OZ
Dorothy (Switzerland) finds her way out of trouble past huge, ugly trees that do nothing but chuck apples at everyone (Honduras). Her dog Toto (France) doesn’t’ do much, but really doesn’t need to do anything to survive. Ecuador is the Lollipop Guild. I’m sure they’re short enough.
Group F: Nigeria 2 – 3 Argentina; Bosnia and Herzegovina 3 – 1 Iran
Movie That Sums Up This Round: COOL RUNNINGS
Irv Blitzer (Argentina) is a formerly disgraced athlete without a legitimate win but comes out at the end a true winner. The Jamaican bobsled team (Bosnia and Herzegovina) are in no way used to the sport thrust upon them, the tournament they are put into, nor the hostile temperatures and conditions of the games. They were able to complete their run (first World Cup win) all the while in a different sport altogether Eddie “The Eagle” (Nigeria) also finds success of sorts. Iran is the bobsled track that everyone runs over.
Group G: USA 0 – 1 Germany; Portugal 2 – 1 Ghana
Movie That Sums Up This Round: FINDING NEMO
The father clown fish Marlin (Germany) goes on an amazing race to find Nemo (USA) and bring him home. Even Bruce the shark (Portugal) is evaded to the success of our heroes. Bruce, dejected, is forced to feed on many other smaller fish (Ghana). In the end, Nemo gets through it all, but in the end still lost his mom.
Group H: South Korea 0 – 1 Belgium; Algeria 1 – 1 Russia
Movie That Sums Up This Round: THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU
Who really cares about this group? Like the movie, it’s hipster in all of its trappings in that you can’t name any one player from any one of the teams worth mentioning. The movie, like the group, is polarizing and is a hipster’s absolute wet dream. Okay, fine. Bill Murray as ‘Steve Zissou’ is Fellaini from Belgium. Because he’s recognizable.