TODD VAN ALLEN RETIRES FROM COMEDY
The usual drill is this. I drive to Burlington in the AssCar with at least one other comic, usually Brian Hope. The drive up is filled with giggles tempered with the oncoming stare and silence combo that we’re driving ourselves into. We get to the show and watch Ben rip into members of the audience, I get sent up first to the sounds of crickets and the moist slap of eyelids closing and opening (yeah, it’s usually that quiet). We get back in the car and I tirade on how shit my show was, how decently everyone else did, go home, stare at the notes on my so-called jokes, and wait for the safe womb of the Old York show that follows three days later. In retelling the story to other comics who make the mistake of asking me how the show went, I usually end the review with “…and the day I nail that room is the day I quit doing comedy. Thank you, I’m done.”
So I hereby announce my retirement from comedy. It’s been nice. I thank you all for your support. It’s been wonderful. Those of you who couldn’t make it to Club 54 for my last show missed me finally getting laughs and applause breaks and the sense that somewhere in the world there was a lion making sweet, sweet love to a lamb.
Special thanks go out to Rosco Campbell for taking the all-so-coveted first spot of the night and to Brian Hope for helping me enjoy the one-two punch of a Leafs loss and an Ottawa win. I’d also like to thank him for leaving farts in my car that smell like they came from a St. Bernard that found an open tin of Campbell’s Chunky Beef Fajita soup. A shout out to Big Time for suffering the crowd and $10 cover to come see, always appreciated. Big big thanks to the surprise that the PuffAdder gave me with his presence. And the good people at AAL who decided to show up and get my office material.
You have all been wonderful. I thank you for your support.
See you all Saturday.