The TwitterCast @TheRiv: The Deleted Scenes
As promised, here’s the Deleted Scenes from the night at the Riv.
I had too many jokes, so these were the ones that never made it:
To start with, do forgive me if this all goes wrong tonight.
Vista, IE7, and Twitter are behaving like housemates where one of them eats the other’s food and the other bangs all their girlfriends.
I don’t understand people who eat their steaks well done.
The same people that think eating steak well done is eating steak are the same ones who think “Dirty Dancing: The Musical” is theatre.
That thumping noise that you hear in time to “I Had The Time Of My Life” is Samuel Beckett spinning counter-clockwise in his grave.
I used to be a vegetarian. She wasn’t very open-minded at all. My mom hated that.
Until I said, “Hey, at least I’m not gay.” “…yet.” “Which meat you want me to avoid, mom? Take your pick.”
“Salad’s over here, then? Thanks.”
I’d whistle “Smalltown Boy” around her just to keep her on her toes.
Feel sorry for vegetarians on the show tonight.
They’d have to write about eating meat in the same way I’d have to write about masturbating in church.
I did it in the past, made a conscious effort to not do it now, and the smell of bacon makes me want to go back to it.
As I read this back to myself, it appears I may have issues.
I don’t believe in the concept of cannibalism. But I do believe in literalists responding to the insult “eat me”.
I feel sorry for vegetarians in the movie “Alive” situation where the plane crashes and you have to eat the other passengers.
Not only will they starve, but they’re probably going to be eaten first since they’re grain-fed.
I know some people don’t dig on veal because they keep the calves in cages.
I look at that and think if we ever turned to cannibalism, that very same set-up could help provide the world with new delicious food…
…and also solve our overcrowded prison system.
How did they decide who was going to be eaten? I’d say fist fight. You not only get a definitive winner, but the meat is tenderized.