Netherlands Tag

TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part VI: Quarterfinals

Only four teams left. Only four games left. We’re at the point where you’re using the handle of your toothbrush to get the last bit of hatred out. Squeeeeeeeze that football loathing! But people are still flapping their pie-holes about this four-year festival, so use these reviews to sound smart, erudite and well in the know. Also make shit up.

 

France 0 – 1 Germany

You ever see the movie “Hancock”? The one where Hancock (played by the always affable and vaguely Scientology-ish Will Smith) does his superhero job but doesn’t seem to give a shit? And just goes through the motions, but then finally gathers up the gumption and finds joy in his life again and makes a true difference in the end? France was just like Hancock! Except they didn’t wise up at the end, failed at everything they tried, and are only slightly Scientology-ish. The game ends perfectly with German keeper Neuer saving France’s final shot doing his best impression of the word “Noooooooooooooope!” Mon Dieu.

Completely Made-Up Statistic from the Match: Germany won without completing one single pass.

Rating: 5 Torn Up Asphalt Streets and Totaled Busses out of 10

TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part V: The Group of 16

As a hater of soccer, you’ll be loving this next round of games. LOSER GOES HOME!!! That means that flights are being booked, players are being pelted with toffees if they land in South Korea, and you get closer and closer to having sports channels clogged with tennis. If my primer to KNOWING THE GAME helped you through this, along with my reviews of the FIRST, SECOND and THIRD ROUND OF GAMES WHERE I USED MOVIES helped, you’ll be happy to know that my review of the Group of 16 gets you closer to me not ever reviewing this again.

 

Brazil 1 (3) – 1 (2) Chile

Between this and the Colombia-Uruguay match, if you like images of guys crossing themselves, this is your “Citizen Kane”. The excitement! The drama! The two goals within half an hour of the start that took the sting out of the match, unless you like yellow cards and guys that should be able to hit the net, not. This game goes to penalty kicks and only one of the first four shots goes in. Poor Chile.

Best/Worst Thing About The Loser Going Home: With them gone, now who do we patronize now?

Rating: 7 Yellow Cards out of 10

TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part IV: The Final Round of Matches of the Groups: MOVIES!!!

Since you’ve now read the INTRO TO THE WORLD CUP as well as the ROUND 1 and ROUND 2 match-ups, you as a soccer-hater must hate this. But take heart, once this round is done, and it is, everyone who loses goes home. While they’re booking flights, you get steps closer to enjoying World Cup-free viewing, no more soccer talk, and you can enjoy the Saskatchewan Roughriders playing whoever the hell they are playing. Let’s do something different this round. Let’s see what the games would be like if they were movies. You like movies, right? Sure you do. And putting the games in the context of film, that’d be a hoot! Here we go:

 

Group A: Brazil 1 – 4 Cameroon; Croatia 1 – 3 Mexico

Movie That Sums Up This Round: HOME ALONE

The Rundown:

Hosts Brazil (the McCallister family) have a child (Neymar) that is the only person keeping their house in order against Croatia (Daniel Stern) and Cameroon (Joe Pesci) who is constantly on the lookout for valuables, silverware and win-bonuses. Brazil befriends an old man with family problems (Mexico) and finds the true meaning of Christmas…staying in Brazil for a few more games.