Well, just like you couldn’t be arsed to watch the games, I couldn’t be arsed to write about them in a timely fashion. Since you’ve read my first article giving you tips on how to survive the World Cup and not sound like a boob, here’s a summary of the first round of games from the groups. If you’re called on it, and you need to have a snap opinion on the Iran – Nigeria game (Hint: It was utter crap), I’ve given you all the high points so that you can all sound like the Sparta Prague-Supporting False-9-Loving Football Hipster that fans of the World Cup wish that they could be. Do not worry about what that last sentence meant. Read on.
Brazil 3-1 Croatia
Still stinging from the wreckage that was a JLo/Pitbull 1-2 punch that KOed the opening ceremonies, Brazil would start the month-long Soccer Showcase with a match against Croatia. The managers have different styles. Phil Scolari for Brazil looks like Gene Hackman desperately trying to track down a jury. Croatia are managed by a guy that looks like a modern-day Bond villain that would capsize the world’s economy and then burn down the White House with frickin’ lasers. Brazil, always the generous hosts, scored all the goals in this game for the guests. Croatia, put away yer shootin’ boots.
What to Say to Sound Smart: “Well. Brazil looked shaky.”
Rating: 7 Anti-Government Riots out of 10