Author:TVA

TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part II: The First Matches of the Groups

Well, just like you couldn’t be arsed to watch the games, I couldn’t be arsed to write about them in a timely fashion. Since you’ve read my first article giving you tips on how to survive the World Cup and not sound like a boob, here’s a summary of the first round of games from the groups. If you’re called on it, and you need to have a snap opinion on the Iran – Nigeria game (Hint: It was utter crap), I’ve given you all the high points so that you can all sound like the Sparta Prague-Supporting False-9-Loving Football Hipster that fans of the World Cup wish that they could be. Do not worry about what that last sentence meant. Read on.

 

Brazil 3-1 Croatia

Still stinging from the wreckage that was a JLo/Pitbull 1-2 punch that KOed the opening ceremonies, Brazil would start the month-long Soccer Showcase with a match against Croatia. The managers have different styles. Phil Scolari for Brazil looks like Gene Hackman desperately trying to track down a jury. Croatia are managed by a guy that looks like a modern-day Bond villain that would capsize the world’s economy and then burn down the White House with frickin’ lasers. Brazil, always the generous hosts, scored all the goals in this game for the guests. Croatia, put away yer shootin’ boots.

What to Say to Sound Smart: “Well. Brazil looked shaky.”

Rating: 7 Anti-Government Riots out of 10

TVA’s Guide to the World Cup for Those Who Hate ‘Soccer’, Part I: “Knowing the Game”

Admittedly, there are a numbered few out there that enjoy “The Beautiful Game” and look forward to the World Cup whenever it happens.

There are others among our complement that look forward to this about as much as a barbed-wire colonoscopy. There are a number of reasons. Hate the fans. Don’t like watching grown men tumbleweeding their way across the field after being brushed by a Kleenex in a look of gallstone-passing agony. And why don’t they use their damn hands?
You know you hate it, you feel smug about it, and will tell anyone who will listen about your abhorrence of the sport like an atheist two drinks in. But something inside you feels like you’re missing out, like when “Life of Pi” was a thing and you had to resort to conversational input like “Yeah…loved the tiger”.

That’s where I can help. Here’s some quick tips to let you still take cursory participation in office conversations about Bosnia and Herzegovina without asking “Seriously, is that a place or did you make it up?” Use these and it will make your month of Hell slide by like England’s chances of winning the thing.

So Close To Being a Host

Admittedly, this whole rant could be fueled by the fact that I’m reading the Johnny Carson book now, but I’m bummed.

Story is this: I had the chance to host a weekly talk show on TV and now it appears that if the opp were any more dead, it would have been photographed in the company Rob Ford.

Yes, it would have been voluntary. Yes, it would have been without pay. Yes, it would have been hard work. Yes, I was totally up for it. And yes, the producer wanted me to do it. But the all the scenery fell to the floor Charlie Chaplin-style.

An Open Letter to Rob Ford: Let’s Talk

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Tune #5: “The Left Lane”

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